Poetry....

I remember so much.

I remember how you pulled me closer.

I remember that first kiss, the first of many.

I remember the feel of your lips brushing against my forehead, my cheek, my hand, my neck, my chest, my lips.

I remember how happy I felt when I came back, without my makeup on, showing my face for the first time, and heard you call me beautiful.

I remember your fingertips brushing my cheek, as you told me how my skin was soft, how my hair was shining, how I was pretty, how I was, out of all the girls you've kissed, the best kisser.

But I'll never forget that one moment....

You kissed me with heat, and as you pulled away, I found myself looking at you in a way I never had before. For once, I looked at your eyes. I was staring into the depths of a beautiful sea green circle, an ocean captured in the iris of your eyes.

"What?" You asked me, uncertainly. I shook my head.

"Nothing.... I was just looking at your eyes." I said, softly. "I've never really given them a good look." You smiled and pulled me closer. 

"And?" You asked. I looked again. "They're bluish-green."I noted, and you nodded. I gave you the smallest of smiles. "I've always liked that colour." I paused. "What are my eyes like?" You looked into my own eyes, your gaze going deeper than I thought one possibly could. "Deep. Beautiful." 

I grinned. "I would've just said green, but okay." You laughed, and kissed me again, pulling me into your chest. We broke apart again, and you tucked my hair behind my ear.

"What do I taste like?" You asked me. I thought it over for a moment. Your delicate mouth didn't taste like any particular thing, it just.... tasted like I imagined it would. 

"I don't know. I guess... you just taste like you." I whispered. You nodded softly. "What do I taste like?" I asked, now curious. You pulled me close, until I could feel your warmth breath against my skin like a flame, and I felt your whisper before I heard it....

"You." 

Self Medicate

I always thought I was
Better than this
I always thought I was
Stronger than this
I always thought I was
Who I was.
But to see yourself,
You need to do just
A little more than looking
In the mirror everyday.
You need to go past
The skin deep appearances
Search for who you are
Deep inside
But I feel like I've been searching
And either I got lost
Along the way of my twisted
Psyche, or maybe I just
Can't recognize who I am
Anymore, I could just walk by
And never even know who
I was.
The fist squeezes in my
Mind, as your soft words
Echo in my head, I want so
Badly to listen, to obey
But, I can't help but think:
Will it bring back the old me,
Or will it just create another
Duplicate, another shell of
My former self-
If I choose to medicate?

Contact

That kiss
It was... unforgettable.
You kissed me with such
Softness, but although
You were so gentle, your two
Blushing pilgrims seeking
Refuge on my lips...
I felt fire behind your skin,
Behind your kiss, I felt
Tremendous heat building
In my heart, my soul
Screaming to catch flames
And blaze, burn into the
Raging inferno that I know
All too well it could become.
And the feel of that
Beautifully tender embrace,
The chemical attraction, reaction
Bringing our bodies together,
Touching, embracing, caressing..
And I still feel you.
I can still feel it all.
Every detail...
Every single touch.

-V.

Good god.

Good god.

Why do I always do this?

....Why did I let you in?
Why in the hell did I let you kiss me?
You're just like me- why the hell..... what the hell.... how the hell....

Why did you kiss me the way I always wanted to be kissed?
Why....
Why in the hell.


-V.

Ain't it adorable?

So it's an average day at school.
I find out I got casted in a lead role for my friend's film- so excited!
Also, squee story.
***
After sneaking into one of the schools secret rooms and making out mercilessly with each other, Hunter and I started to make our way to our classes. Walking through the atrium to the set of stairs leading to the science hallway, I heard a group of boys begin to make catcalls, shouting his name. 
It was something I was getting used to. Being seen with a football player certainly seems to garner you attention, eh?
But, just as we were nearing the top of the stairwell, something In my brain possessed me to glance back at Hunter, and say suggestively "Should we give the public what they want?"
He laughed, grinned, and pulled me into him, our lips meeting in an amazing kiss. 

My hand moved up to cup his face, for dramatic effect, After all, we were putting on a show. Might as well make it a good one.
We finally broke apart, and there was stunned silence from the table. Then, one boy broke the silence and shouted "Yeah, Crow!" Hunter saluted, and we walked off, laughing.


Thought I'd just mention it. :)
-V.

Old Unhappiness/New Beginnings

I just wish I was thinner.
I took some measurements:
hips: 33 1/2 inches. 
waist: 26.2 inches. 
belly: 31.5 inches. 
thigh: 21 inches.
breasts: 33 inches
ass: 35.7 inches.




God.

Why can't I look like that?

Or like that?

Or like that?

Why can't I just stop eating?

Why can't I be thinner?

Why?

Moving on....

Something wonderful occurred, just a few days ago.

Between my shows on thursday, I went over to Hunter's apartment and spent the afternoon there.
Almost as soon as we got in the door, he kissed me tenderly, and our bodies moved close together. I pulled away and smiled.
"Alone at last." I said softly, and he smiled. He was clean shaven now, having shaved off his Movember facial hair.
"What do you want to do?" He asked.
"What do you think?" I replied.
He gave me a wicked grin and pulled me into another kiss, more intense than the one before. The air around us seemed to catch fire. He pulled me toward his couch and he laid down, pulling me with him. I broke apart from him. "Wait." I whispered. "I brought something special."
i jumped off him and ran to my backpack, where I had stashed a small bottle of massage oil. I came back to the couch, and pushed him down. "Take off your shirt." I commanded him. He grinned at me and pulled it off, exposing his chest. "Good." I said idly, thinking "Shiiiit, he's shirtless." "Now, turn over." I commanded. He did, and I poured a little oil into my palm, and gently began to rub the broad, muscular expanse of his back. The scent of vanilla and jasmine filled the air. "Mmm. That's great." He murmured into the fabric of the couch. 
After a few minutes of me massaging his shoulders and back. I told him I was done." His head twisted up towards me. "Can I massage you as well?" He asked. I blushed. "Sure." "Okay." He said, and his hand traveled to the zipper on my black sweater. "I can't exactly massage you with this on." I nodded, smiling devilishly. We kissed, and he tugged on the zipper, revealing the bando I was wearing, my bare stomach exposed. I turned over and he began to massage my lower back, his fingers slick with the oil. I closed my eyes, extremely peaceful and relaxed. There had been something nagging at the back of my mind for awhile, so I whispered into the pillow, "Hunter?"
"Yes?" I heard him respond.
"I wanted to ask.... about us." I said slowly. "Are we.... you know..."
"A thing?"He finished my thought perfectly. 
"Yeah. A thing." I said. He was quiet for a minute, although his hands kept massaging me. 
"I don't know. We're kind of together, I guess." He said, his voice soft. 
"Would you.... want to be? Together, I mean." I asked, quietly. I was going out on a limb here.
His hands stilled, and I opened my eyes. He placed him hands on my shoulders and leaned in to whisper in my ear.
"I would love that." He whispered softly. I turned my head around and we kissed, gently, but no less potent, no less intoxicating to my senses than any other kiss we had shared.
He flipped me around and started kissing the hollow of my throat. "Oh, Vixen....." He murmured softly. He travelled down my stomach, and in the midst of my pure, unadulterated bliss, I realized something.
My scars.
I pushed him away quickly and covered my lower abdomen with my hands. "What? What's wrong?"
He asked, surprised. 
"I.... I don't want you to see."
"...Vixen." He said my name softly. His large, soft, warm hands moved to cover mine. "Please." I didn't say a word, but I didn't resist and he gently pushed my hands away. My scars were fading fast, some scar tissue pale pink, others still white. "I'm sorry-" I began, but he leaned over suddenly and, one by one, kissed each scar on my stomach.  When he stopped, he looked at me, and his dark brown eyes searched mine. 
"Vixen, please promise me you'll never do it again." He said, quietly. 
The words passed through me like a cold shiver. I had heard that before... and the guy who asked me before wasn't worth stopping for. But as I stared into Hunter's face, I knew I had to try. For him.
For us.
"I promise." I whispered.
Later, we laid together on the couch, his arms wrapped around me in tender embrace, my head resting on his forearm. Being there felt so good.

Pulling myself from my comfortable position, I snapped open my cell phone and checked the time. I had to get back soon. Damn.
"What time do we have?" Hunter asked.
"I need to leave soon." I said sadly. He pulled me back down next to him.
"I wish I could fall asleep here. I wish I could lie here forever." I whispered, or maybe I just thought it.
"Me too." Hunter replied, although it could have just been in my head.
We walked back quietly, in a daze from the days events. Or maybe it was just me in a daze.
All through my play, I kept recalling the days events. it was playing through my mind like a movie.
And sure enough, he became my muse. Three poems spurted from the romance that had evolved between us. Here they are.

Today is yours and mine to share

And so it begins.
The delicate threads
Holding us up
Just for now.
Just for now,
Forever is a thoughtless,
Unimaginable word
Vanished from my vocabulary
Long ago.
But maybe,
Just for now,
Just for now,
You and I, we, us,
Together
Can possibly exist
Just for now,
Just for now.
I can be free, happy, I can
Sample the sweet thrill of
Your taste, your body
Pressed against mine n
The tender embrace
I've learned to love
Just for now.
Just for now,
I can lose myself
In your dark eyes...
Just for now.

The Catalyst

The tender touch of you

Grazing my skin,

Cold fire, contradictory

Feelings of warmth and freezing cold,

Of smooth skin and rough stubble,

But the feelings in my heart

Never seem to clash.

They're swirling, twisting

Like the moon and tide

They're so different

Yet they belong together.

Fingers intertwining, a bond

Starting to form, a rush

Of exhilaration, a sense

Of fear and dizzying excitement.

It starts now, it all begins

The blissful remembrance of your 

Hands cupping my face, pulling me

Into the most tender of kisses

And then, you look in my eyes....

The eyes, the catalyst that

Made this crazy, beautiful

Thing become so real.

In Your Arms

In your arms
I feel so safe, secure.
Enfolded in your embrace
I experience a sweet thrill,
A blissful, blooming warmth
Sweeping, spreading through me
Like the rays of the sun
In all its shining splendour.
In your arms, I count
Each second I am there,
Yet it still feels like
An eternity of happiness;
It's like a small piece of heaven
Tucked into the furthest corner
Of my heart.
And when I dream, I feel
Those strong arms wrapping
Around my body, hugging me
Close, as though you'll
Never let me go.
And every time you tell me
That you love holding me
In your arms
My words to you become only
A shy whisper in my mind...
All I want to say is that
I love being held by you,
In your arms.

-V.

Damn it all.

Yeah. Look.
I'm sorry I'm not perfect.
I'm sorry I don't want to have sex.
I'm sorry that I'm clingy. 
I'm sorry that I'm weird.
And,
Above all,

I'm sorry I can't look like them.

-V.

Letter Three

I realized I haven't done that letter thing in awhile, so might as well do number three.

LETTER #3: THE PARENTS

Dear Mom and Dad,

*Sigh* I know I can be a testy teenager. Ever since Alex went off to France, you've been stuck with me. And I know I can't be the perfect daughter like she was. So just fucking accept it! Yes, I'm doing shitty in physics. Yes, I don't want to be a fucking lawyer or a doctor when I'm older. Yes, I'm seeing someone you forbade me to see (that ones only for mom). And there is PLENTY of shit you guys don't know about me. For instance, I hide a bottle of Firewhiskey in a backpack in my closet, along with some other things you'd kill me for owning. When I have boys that I like over, I like to make out out with them on the couch instead of really watching whatever shitty movie we put on. I cut from time to time (and no, Mom, those weren't Brian's razor blades, those were mine). And of course I think about losing my virginity! Shit, do you actually think that I'm such a little fascist nun? Open your eyes. For once.

Rants aside, you guys did raise me. You raised me to be kind and respectful to others and expect the same in return. And I know that even though half the time I can be a shitty daughter, the love I hold for you guys knows no bounds. As I entered high school and the world around me began to shift, it has become harder and harder to try and talk with you guys, or try to relate to you, because now we're occupying the spheres of a bad family sitcom- the rebellious young daughter and her strict, overly concerned parents. And I hate whenever I lose my temper, because Mom, you like to scream twice as loud as I do, and Dad, you just act the same way I do; we both bottle it up and remain seething until the other one comes to apologize. But you guys have always been there for me. Dad, you taught me how to throw a football, how to razz players at hockey games, that boys are jerks, why Sean Connery was a better Bond than Pierce Brosnan, and to always go for what I want, no matter the cost. Mom, you taught me how to be kind to others even when they're mean in return, how to ride a bike, how to love literature, how to bake, how to put on make up, and how to rise above the rest.

So, despite all my angsty teenage ways, I love you guys, heart and soul.

Your daughter,

Vixen.

-V.

My Bladed Brother.

"I'm going to kill him. I swear to god, I'm going to kill him."

I stared up at the face of David W.K, my honorary brother and parkour partner in crime. He came to see the show yesterday, and when the show was over, I came out and saw him waiting there, and I literally pitched myself onto him in a squealing hug. Ever since he had moved to university in Hamilton, I hardly ever saw him. I had missed him, more than I could possibly imagine. So obviously, we had to catch up. And, obviously, he found out about.... you know.

"David, please don't." I whispered. He stared at me with his soft brown eyes. His dark brown hair hung in his face, brushing past his forehead. It had grown rather long in the past few months.

"Okay. Okay, I won't. But, Vixen," He took my hand in his, his pale as marble, well worked hards cupped around my tan one. "I want you to know this isn't your fault. And I think maybe for the next little while, you ought to lay off the romance." He pointed a slender, almost elven finger at his temple. "Just until this is sorted out." I nodded, swallowing tears. He pulled me into a hug. He gave great hugs.

I also had mentioned the idea of me joining the senior football team next year.

"....Tony thinks I might actually get raped." I added, as that opinion had been expressed to me by Tony, a senior who was a 200+ lbs. offensive lineman on the team this season. David smiled.

"Go for it. You could totally do it. As for the 'rape', I'll talk to my friend. We'll get you a KA-BAR. No, better yet, a switchblade."

I grinned at the thought of me owning a switchblade. I'd have one of those garters on the thigh and keep it there. Like a female Shark from West Side Story.

Vixen, the blade-wielding, football playing, ass kicking babe.

I like the sound of that.

-V.

Forbidden.

So, I've been banned from seeing Hunter.
.....Shit.
My mom went through my messages on Skype and found some rather graphic and explicit things. She was pissed. So, we argued. I cried. Later, I told him how much I had fucked up. We agreed that neither of us was ready for any relationship. But, he still said;
"I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have made you done that. And no, you haven't fucked up. I want to see you this weekend. Whether it's for five minutes or a whole day, I want to see you."
And well, we saw each other. We met at the football field outside of my school after rehearsal. As soon as I was close enough he pulled me into a warm embrace. "I missed you." He said. "I missed you too." I mumbled the words into his neck. 
Later, as we were laying underneath the trees near the football field, something hit me that truly terrified me. I was developing feelings for him. As simple and as complicated as it is now, I was falling for him. I pulled away from his kiss.
"Hunter...."I whispered quietly. "There's something I want to tell you. I'm going to sound like a complete idiot, but I want to say it anyway."
His face remained close to mine, our eyes locked on each other. "What is it?"
I said, very quietly, "....What if I told you I thought I may be falling for you?"
He paused, and all I could think was "Shit."
But then, he looked at me. "I don't know. But what I do know is that I feel like you're someone I could care about, a lot. I know it's only been a short while, but it feels like..."
"We've known each other for longer?" I finished his sentence. Our eyes met and he whispered. "Yes." before pulling me into another kiss, like so many before, that could leave me breathless.
The days passed quickly. My show, Rent, opened. 
Then yesterday, my resolve broke down.
I had eaten so much. A&W, lunch, waffles, even more. I ran into the washroom and locked myself in a stall. My stomach was literally swelling.
I apologize in advance for saying what I'm about to say. In fact, I won't say it. All I'll do is say that I left the bathroom eventually, my stomach lighter.
Today I fought the urge to do it again. My friends snapped at me and mostly left me alone. I was supposed to go out for lunch, but they went ahead without me. But, we were so stressed and busy from the play that I didn't blame them for it. So I played loner. But it got to a point where I couldn't take it. I pulled out my cell phone and called my friend David C. I cried, he listened.
Now, I'm exhausted.

Damn. I want to look like that.


-V.

A lot of ground to Cover....

This one's gonna be a long one, ladies and gents. Two days worth of info, three poems, and rants and such.
Let's get started.



MONDAY
It had been looming on my mind for weeks. What had happened before, between Craig and I. 
When he hit me.
How could I possibly tell anyone how it happened? It'd come back to bite me in the ass. I'd be accused, shunned, all sorts of things.
I hastily scribbled down a poem in my brand new "music is my addiction" notebook during english. Or it might have been chemistry. I don't know.

The Phantom of Nowhere

Ever wish you could disappear?

Ever wish you could just

Let the lies and bitter,

Stinging words pass through you

Like you are a ghost.

You could wander, solitary

Like the lone crow in flight

And no one would notice

No one would care.

For once you could be

Dead to the masses,

Little more than a whisper

Among the harsh, cruel words

That we all know can easily

Break our bitter bones.

If I could be dead

Then just, perhaps,

I could be free.

Don't matter if I go

To heaven or hell

Anywhere is better than here-

NOWHERE.

After writing that, I felt a little desolate. I needed to tell someone, but who?

The thought preyed on my mind as I went to my physics class. During our work time, my friend Nathan leaned over and asked me if I was okay. I shook my head. I got a fresh piece of paper, and wrote on it. It was something we used to do back in grade 10. He read what it said: "What would you do if I told you a boy hit me?" He stared at the page for a moment, then he grabbed a pencil, and scribbled furiously. He handed the paper back to me.

"I would personally shit on their face. Who the fuck is it?"

I looked at him in fear. "Please don't do anything." I whispered. I could see malice and anger flare up in his eyes, but it softened when he heard the fear in my voice. He nodded.

My phone vibrated from it's spot in my pencil case. I grabbed it out and flipped it open. It was from Hunter.

"Locker. Now."

I raised my hand and asked if i could go to my washroom. My physics teacher, a very slack one at that, nodded, and I exited. I walked down the hall, my heels rapping on the linoleum floor. I pulled down the hem of my red and black corset slightly and made a right, to the hall where my locker, and Hunters, was. He was there, waiting, and his head turned in my direction. We'd been sexting for the past half an hour, I knew that he wanted me.

"Hey." I greeted him, walking up. Without a word, he swept me into his arms and kissed me, long and hard. I felt my knees quiver very slightly. He pulled apart from me and stared a little. 

"I want you so bad right now," He whispered, holding my shoulders. I gave him a small smile. "I want you, too..." I whispered back. he smiled at me and rooted through his open locker. "How are you?" 

"What can I say?" I thought to myself. And then it dawned on me. I was tired. Tired of keeping secrets. 

I swallowed hard, preparing myself. "Oh... I just admitted something to my friend."

"What's that?"

My voice was small as I said. ".....about how my last boyfriend hit me."

"What?" He turned to look at me. I let out a breath. "I said, about how my last boyfriend hit me."

Hunter stared. "What?"  He asked, in disbelief.

"I didn't want to tell you...." I whispered softly, staring at the speckled linoleum of the floor. The gravity of it all dumped itself onto me like a ton of bricks. The memory raced through my mind, how hard he had been kissing me, and how he had suddenly reared back and struck me across the face. My head was stuck staring to the side, in shock. I felt my face grow warm in shame.

"Hey, wait..." Hunter whispered, and he pulled me into a hug, one of those lifesaving hugs that you need at times like this. I felt my body sag in his arms, like a switch in me had flipped off. I was tired. So tired.

He pulled away, but he looked at me deeply, with concern. "When was this?" He asked.

"A few weeks... no, a month ago..." I mumbled. "When we were still dating.... before he broke up with me."

"Jesus." Hunter muttered. "Hannah, I am so sorry."

"Don't apologize, it's not your fault." I said quietly.

"Still, you don't deserve that." He said, conviction in his every word.

"The fact of whether I deserve it or not could be argued...." I whispered, but he shook his head.

"Hannah, you didn't deserve that at all. Now come here." He pulled me into another embrace, and I let him hold me, struggling not to cry.

One thing off my chest..... eight hundred more to go.

We texted later that night, and I couldn't get over it. I was still scared.

That's when he said: "I'm here, Hannah. You'll always be safe in my arms."

No one had ever said anything like that to me. 

No one.

TODAY (TUESDAY)

Wandered into school, wrote two poems. I'll only post one now.

I only wish

I only wish you knew

How much of a broken, fragile

Porcelain girl I am.

I may seem strong, unbreakable

Indestructible.

But... all I am is weak,

The cracks starting to form

On the dainty china of my skin.

Splitting me apart,

I only wish you knew

How much of a scared, insecure,

Cowardly girl I am.

But I have no wizard to

Give me my courage, I

Got to keep walking down

This god damn brick road.

I only wish you knew

How much of a sorcerer

I think you are.

Only blackest magic could

Have changed, transformed me

Into the lovesick creature I am.

I only wish you knew 

How much I long for you

How often the thought of you

Flitters across my mind

Like a bird in the dark night.

However long I feel your kiss linger,

Soft sweetness on my lips

I only wish you knew....

Hunter and I met up at the library at lunch, and we were on the computers. His friend (Nathan) came over and chatted with him, and I figure, ah hell, might as well check the blog. I just got onto my dashboard, when I hear him go. "Oh seriously, you have a blog too?"

......SHIT.

I logged off as quick as I could and booked it, but not before I saw him go onto the first page of my blog.... right where my letter to him awaited.

Shitshitshitshitballsfuckshitshitshit.....

Thankfully, he only read the one post I wrote after my low self confidence got the better of me.

Speaking of which, I'm getting love handles.

That's enough for one night. I'm exhausted. With everything.

-V.

Letter Two/ Ashamed...

I was called a 'town bike' by one of my so called friends.
I may be a virgin, but.... I just don't know what to do.


Day two of the 30 day, 30 letter challenge. Time for letter #2; the crush. 

Dear Hunter,
Hi.
You'll probably never read this (and I hope to god you don't, because then I'd be so embarrassed that I'd hide my head in the ground) so I'm going to say the truth.
Even before that fateful night at the dance, I noticed you. Just in english class, I mean. I'd see you in your jersey and think "Damn. Some lucky girl he must have."
And that night, at the dance, I remember you holding me, us dancing, and feeling.... free. And when you asked for my number, and we talked till 1 in the morning.... I felt like something amazing was about to start. And it did.
You're sweet, you're handsome, you're intelligent.... you're the package deal. So how in the hell did a screwup like me get with someone like you? It's something I ask myself every day. Maybe fate was on my side at the Halloween dance.
I.... I'm also very nervous around you. Nervous about who you think I am, what I mean to you. When you ask me about my problems, I'm afraid to tell you, because I don't want to scare you off. I've worked damn hard to get to where I am now and I don't want the past to screw it all up.
However, the little moments I've shared with you..... our first date, holding my hand in the hallway, remembering the way you kiss me.... it makes all this shit I've endured seem like nothing. 
But.... I wish you knew how broken I really was. How hurtful I can be. How screwed up I act. How possessive I can get. I try so hard to hide this from you, but I'm tired of living a lie. How can I approach this?
Well.... first things first.

I care about you. 
I think your eyes are gorgeous. I love to stare into them.
I love how you hold my hand.
I love how you can make me laugh.
I love how laid back, how at ease with the world you are.
So... I'm still going to try and take this as slow as possible.
Because..... I want you.
And if you want me back.... that would be amazing.
Love and other indoor sports,
Vixen.

That's all, folks.

-V.

Dear World.....

Fuck you.


Sincerely, Vixen.

Letter One/Awaiting...

I worked on the set for my play today. Was largely ignored by my friends- once again, the invisible girl.
I'm waiting to see Hunter tomorrow.
Not much else is going on.....
So. 
I was trying to think of ways to fill up this blog, and was simultaneously creeping my friend Rachael's tumblr, and I came across something rather interesting. One of those little "challenges" where you have to write a letter to a different kind of person every day. So I figure.....

So, Day One, Letter One. It's supposed to be to my best friend... but lucky me, I have three.


Dear Arien, Rachael, and Darcy.
Let me tell you guys something. Until you wonderful women came along in my life, I had virtually no close girl friends. It was a thing with me.... i never met girls whom I really wanted to get to know. But then, that fateful, fateful day, when the assface we all know hurt me, and you all comforted me, and the next night, getting together for the halloween dance. We've all grown closer, and I actually do envision us as that group of girls that you see in the movies- the best friends, ready to take on the world together. And you have no idea how special my friendship with you guys have. You've seen me at my best, at my worst, and I've seen you guys those ways too. I can really be myself when i'm with you all.... and that in itself is an ordinary miracle.
You guys, all three of you, are incredible women. You're all beautiful and funny, and you don't take shit from anyone. And I wouldn't trade any of you for the world.
Stay classy, stay beautiful.... stay friends forever.
Love, with all my heart,
Vixen.


Here's the copy of the challenge for you guys to read (and so I don't forget it...)


THE CHALLENGE
Day 01 - Your best friend
Day 02 - Your crush
Day 03 - Your parents
Day 04 - Your sibling
Day 05 - Your dreams
Day 06 - A stranger
Day 07 - Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 08 - Your favorite internet friend
Day 09 - Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 - Someone you don’t talk to as often as you’d like
Day 11 - A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 - The person you hate the most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 - Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 - The person you miss the most
Day 16 - Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 - Someone from your childhood
Day 18 - The person you wish you could be
Day 19 - Someone that pesters your mind - good or bad
Day 20 - Someone that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance
Day 23 - The last person you kissed
Day 24 - The person who gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 - The person you know is going through the worst of times
Day 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only a day
Day 28 - Someone that changed your life
Day 29 - The person that you want to tell everything to, but are too afraid
Day 30 - Your reflection in the mirror


-V.

Wishing...

Well. 11:11 PM on Novermber 11, 2011 just came and passed.
What did I wish for?
Well, what I always wish for.
Happiness.
I asked Hunter what he was wishing for, just before the clock hit that magical time.
"That I was lying beside you in bed, staring into your beautiful eyes."
Maybe..... just maybe...
My wish already came true.


-V.

Not much to say...

....Except for the fact that I wrote another poem today.

A Crow in Flight

I close my eyes, and I see you

Standing there, a statue 

Of self confidence 

And stone cold conviction.

I blink- try to clear

The thoughts in my head,

Swirling, mixing, combining

Into a single entity of 

Sights and sounds-

But your image is tattooed

To my eyelids, a live-in

Of my brain, my thoughts

(How much is the rent, babe?)

The white noise around me-

Slews of gibberish, nonsensical words

And phrases, spoken without an

Ounce of self assurance-

It dies off, when I recall the sweet, sordid past

And I hear your low, dark voice

In my hear, making me strain

To listen to the silence.

And now I'm scanning

The skies above me

Looking for the bird that flies

Through my deepest desires.

A solitary crow in flight,

Vanishing into the dark abyss

That is my heart.

Will write more tomorrow. I promise.

-V.

Shut your trap- No one wants to hear you.

I never want to fucking hear the song "Jar of Hearts" ever again.

Much better.


Today was the talent show.
Let's start this tale of woe....


THE TALENT SHOW
I paced the stage back and forth, the presence of the other contestants not even registering in my brain. I glanced over at the judges table, where Hunter was sitting. He waved at me and I wiggled my fingers back at him, then continued to nervously pace. About 90% of the people performing were singing. And one of the four judges were Hunter. Last year, I embarrassed myself when the judges said rude and nasty things about me. But then they came up to me later, telling me that they gave bad comments to the good ones and good comments to the bad ones. It was all staged. But it had still hurt.
So why, for god's sake, was I going to do it again?
I don't know.
I really don't know what made me do it.
But before I knew it, I was sitting with the other contestants in the seats of the auditorium, my stomach getting progressively sicker. After several very talented acts, it was my turn to go up. I knew it was going to be bad when I heard a bunch of jocks from the balcony yell out Hunter's name. Shit. They knew. Then again, it wasn't exactly the biggest secret. Then, they tried to play my music from the halfway point. Dumbass tech crew. 
So I sang. I sang as best as I could. Gradually I became aware that people in the audience where talking while I was singing, but they faded into white noise as I struggled to keep up with the accompaniment. Finally, I finished. There was a small smattering of polite applause. I got off the stage quickly, and took my seat. I didn't even hear the "nice judge"'s comment. All I heard was Aleeshya, a rich, beautiful, blonde girl in school parliament who was Maureen in RENT. 
"You slaughtered every youtube cover ever."
The audience "ooooooooh"'d their approval. 
I didn't hear Dakota's comment.
The microphone was passed to Hunter. I bit my lip, unable to look at him.
"You really made that song your own..." He said, and my heart leapt.
"....too bad."
Bang, shot down.
I couldn't help it. The tears began to fall. 
Fuck them. 
Fuck them all.
(Hey look a poem)
Maddy, a popular, attractive girl from my cast (she had done an acoustic cover of "Someone like You"-Adele) sat next to me. 
"Vixen!" She squealed, hugging me. "What are those tears for? You did great!"
Fuck you and your sympathy, Maddy, I thought as I angrily wiped the stubborn tears away. "I'm fine." I lied. Eventually she left. I rushed to the bathroom as soon as I could and stayed there. 
I got into 4th period (musical theatre) with my eyes back at normal colour. Darcy saw me and approached. "You did so good, Vixen!" She exclaimed, or some other praise like that. "Did you hear what Hunter said?" I whispered bleakly. She nodded.
"Vixen, did you see him during the song?" She asked. I shook my head.
"I was listening to him, but I was watching him. They passed along the slip of paper with his line to him. He read it, and he kept shaking his head, and the other judges kept nodding it. He didn't want to read it. And he looked so nervous after."
This stopped me. I sniffled, and looked into Darcy's soft, amber eyes. "Really?"
"Really." She nodded. I sighed and buried my face into her neck, smelling her hair. "You smell nice." I remarked.
When the bell rang, I decided to go grab my stuff. I headed up towards my locker, and opened it quickly, stuffing my physics notes into my backpack. I kept looking at the staircase, wondering if I'd see Hunter. Sure enough, I saw him come through the door. Our eyes met for a fraction of a second, and I forced myself to look away. I was embarrassed. I was pissed.
But still he approached.
"Hey, you did great." He said, rubbing my shoulder.
"Hmph." I replied indignantly, not looking at him.
"What's wrong?" He asked, his voice tinged with concern. I finally looked out from my locker.
"I just love making myself look like an idiot in front of the entire school, you know that?" I said bitterly, throwing the textbook into my bag.
"Hey, hey, what do you mean?" He started, but I shook my head. "You did great. Better than I thought you would, actually." 
Well thanks, asshole.  I thought to myself as I zippered up my bag and he went off to his locker. A couple of girls started talking to him as I pretended to root through my stuff. Fuck. Fuck. Who the hell did he think he was, anyway? Fuck.
I zippered up my bag, put on my jacket, and walked down the hall. I passed by Hunter, and as he looked at me, I gave him a smile, but it felt like a grimace.
"See you." I tried to say as flatly as possible, but instead, my voice sounded small, meek, sad. 
"Hey, hey, wait." He said, and he grabbed my wrist. I hesitated, and that was just enough time for him to lean in and say, "Can you wait for me?" I swallowed and nodded. Dammit. He had -has- me on a fucking string. He closed his locker and finished talking to the girls about some kind of lab, and they smiled at me. I looked at the ground.
He walked me back to the auditorium.
"Thanks for being merciful with your comments." I noted, a slight sting of sarcasm in my voice. He looked slightly upset. "Yeah... we were given cards to read off of." He said. So it was true. I nodded and looked at the ground. "Do you have Rent?" He asked. 
"Yeah. I came up to get my stuff. What about you?" 
"I gotta work on a Law project that's due tomorrow."
"Oh. Well, have fun..." I began to leave, but he grabbed my wrist again.
"Hey, hey..." He whispered softly, and he pulled me into a warm embrace, planting a kiss on my cheek. "You did fine, okay?" He said to me. 
"Really?"
"Really."
I smiled weakly and kissed his cheek. We kissed each other full on, and then he held onto my hand. "I'll see you around." I said softly. His hand was still touching mine as he walked away. 
"See you." He said, and then he left.
I guess I felt a little better after that....
But I'm still never doing the show again.


-V.