I miss you.

Been awhile/Memories...

So. I haven't been blogging for awhile, sorry for that.

But there's something I need to write about.

The other day, I was browsing the advertisment-ridden hole Youtube has become, when a song came up in my recommendations: Somebody that I Used to Know, by this kid called Gotye. I'd seen it on Facebook before, people raved about it, so I gave it a shot.

And then I cried.

....okay, so that was a blatant lie. Hipster music doesn't make me cry. But the lyrics tugged at my heart, because the words were so familiar.... then I recognized them from one cavern of my dumb, broken, held-together-by-duct-tape heart. 

It's about time I got the story of the guy who hurt me out.

This one's for you, Wolfie.

I've mentioned this guy before. He was the one who gave me my namesake- Vixen. We knew each other through our mutual friends, and one summer night at a party, we met again, and within days we went out on a date.

We walked for hours at the streets near my home, sharing more things, the conversation getting so personal, and yet it felt so real, and I felt so real. We admitted our fears, our dreams, and the fact that we'd both found each other attractive since day one.

It was instantaneous infatuation, beautiful and painful.

We had great times- meeting his family, who made me feel like part of the clan by the time my first visit was over; screaming along to the car radio as we drove through the night; drinking at a crowded party, smiling secretly at each other.

We became each other's own.

Now and then I think of when we were together-

Like when you said you felt so happy, you could die...

Days, weeks passed. And the suddenly, my prince became.... someone else.

He became distant, strange. Text messages went unanswered, glances in the hall becoming the norm. 

And then, it ended abruptly. A slap across the face in private confinements, a single, cold look, a skipping of my first period English class, tears frozen on my cheeks as empty promises shattered in the frigid october air.

I couldn't take it. I let myself be vunerable, let myself fall too hard too quickly- and it was thrown in my face.

But it ended anyway, despite my feelings.

So when we found out that we could not make sense,

Well, you said that we would still be friends....

And suddenly, I became a second plague to him.

I was ignored, I was shunned. The tender moments we shared, the sweet kisses- gone, erased, never to be found again.

But you didn't have to cut me off,

Make out like we never happened and that we were nothing.

And I don't even need your love, 

But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough.

He removed me on facebook. Some of our mutual friends stopped talking to me altogether.

No, you didn't have to stoop so low,

Have your friends collect your records and then change your number....

Somedays I look back on those memories. And I do truly miss them, and what we once were.... what he once was. And some days I can't help but feel.... was it him who really changed, or me?

I guess that I don't need that though,

Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

-V.

The Greatest Game

As I watch "The Longest Yard" at 1 AM in the morning (EST), the argument with my mother races through my head.
"Vixen, you are going to get destroyed. And what happens if you actually do make the team? There are tons of guys there who are on it to get scholarships, to get scoped out by professional teams. How do you think they'll react if a girl beats them to their position?"
Every since that first day in grade 6, when I grew a pair and played my first game of pickup football, the effect was instantaneous and the message became clear- football was my sport. I loved every second of it- the heart pounding sensation of that milisecond before the ball snaps and everyone bolts out of formation, the feel of pigskin against your fingers as you catch it, and the feeling of absolute insanity when your running for your life with that precious ball tucked into the crook of your arm.

I did a football training camp in Grade 9, and was then forbidden to join the junior team by my mother. Now grade 12 is knocking at my door, and I came to a realization of something- That I was not going to let another dream fucking die.
I have to at least try.
If I don't make it- yeah, that's it, too bad. I didn't deserve it. But at least I tried.
And if I do?
I'll be the best goddamn wide receiver to ever play for the team.
You can put that shit in writing.
-V

The Suicide Series: Letter Two

Dear Arien,

It already feels like you've been away from the school for far, far too long. And yet it still feels like yesterday that I was hugging you goodbye, fighting back tears at the thought of losing one of my closest friends. How does that even work? I dunno. 

Arien, I want you to know a few things about yourself. You are hands down, one of the cleverest, funniest, most spontaneous, most friendly, most beautiful girls I know. You have this.... I don't know what to call it, but for now I'll say an aura.... a crazy, giddy aura that pulls everyone you know into it. Your happiness is contagious and it always made my day to see that big, beautiful, beaming smile spread across your face.

I hope that you're happy in the sioux, and I hope that new man of yours treats you with love and respect.
I wish you hadn't left. Because.... maybe you could have talked me out of this. I'm sorry, but I'm finally going through with it. I wish I could've seen one of my closest friends one last time.
Take care, Arien. You've made it this far- you can keep going, I know you can.
Love, 
Vixen.

The Suicide Series: Letter One

Letter One: Darcy

Dear Darcy,

Ever since I met you, we instantly clicked. I remember that first day in science class, meeting the new girl with the dark brown hair and lovely amber eyes. It really wasn't until this year that we became good friends... and I'm so glad we did. I know drama split our group apart, but you're still as close to me as you always have been. 

It's been a roller coaster ride for the both of us. Unfortunately, I have to stop here. I'm afraid I can't take it much longer. We all have problems, you and I both know that. But I just can't deal with them anymore.

I want you to know something, Darcy. I want you to know, and even as cliche as this sounds, that you are beautiful in every way imaginable. You make me laugh, you've comforted me when I was sad, forgave me when I was a jerk, and have been the best friend anyone could ever ask for. You don't need to change anything about yourself- I love you for who you are, not for your weight.

I'm sorry that I'm leaving you like this. But I really don't have any other choice. I do wish things could have been different- I wish I could've seen you grow up with me- go to university together, go to each other's weddings, become old ladies and laugh about all the shit we got ourselves into in high school. 

I'll miss you, Darcy, and I'll always love you. Please don't forget that.

-Vixen.

Next Time: Letter 2: Arien

New Letter Challenge.

Something occurred to me last night.

I almost always think that if I ever finally took the plunge- you know, ended it once and for all, that I wouldn't be missed, that no one would care. However, the voice of my friend Matthew, the only person I had left to turn to at that moment, convinced you otherwise.

"Vixen, of course people care about you. I care about you. Your parents care about you." His voice, crackly over the static of my cell phone, comforted me.

I thought about that for a moment. And for a moment, I thought he was right.

Then, lyrics from an old Linkin Park song came racing through my mind.

After my dreaming, I woke with this fear; What am leaving when I'm done here?

I thought about all the people in my life. The wrong I had done. Mistakes that I made. And those few, few happy memories. I wondered, what would/could I say to them if I left? What would my last words to them be?

And so now, I made a decision.

For the next two weeks, I'm doing my own writing challenge: The Suicide Letter series.

Every day, I write a new final statement to someone close to me. Simple enough, right?

The people I will write to will be as follows:

1. Darcy

2. Arien

3. Rachael

4. Hazem

5. Scott

6. Tony

7. Hunter

8. My parents

9. My sister

10. David

11. Nathan

12. Kira

13. Jacob

14. Mat

That will start tomorrow, as I have a physics and a chemistry exam to study for.


Also... i'm switching to tumblr,

-V.

People get jealous. People fuck up. People make mistakes, do things they shouldn't, regret them, then pick themselves up off the floor and move the fuck on.

I'm one of those people.

I'm one of those people who gets jealous, fucks up, makes mistakes; I do things I shouldn't, I regret them, then I ultimately pull myself together.... And move the fuck on.

But every time I fall, it becomes that much more harder to get back on my feet.


I need to stop eating.


I need to be perfect, I need to show him what he's missing.


It's all my fault. I'm not good enough.


I never will be.


-V.

It's funny.... after you've had a shitty day, after everything has been awful and it feels like no ones cares about you, after you've hated yourself and everyone around.... sometimes, all it takes is one last person to turn it around. A simple, small conversation, filled with little hearts and ended with a "night beautiful" can turn the worst day into the best one.

Remember those endless nights? The hours we spent together, our lips never leaving one anothers. Do you remember? Because I do. And I can't wait till I kiss those lips again- because you make my life worth enduring. <3

.....

Yeah, I'm in a sappy mood. Fucking deal with it, bitches.

-V.

Remembrance

Last summer, I went to Ireland....

And I think I fell in love.

I wish we didn't live so far apart.

He was perfect, absolutely perfect.

I miss him so badly.

<3

-V