Damn it all.

Yeah. Look.
I'm sorry I'm not perfect.
I'm sorry I don't want to have sex.
I'm sorry that I'm clingy. 
I'm sorry that I'm weird.
And,
Above all,

I'm sorry I can't look like them.

-V.

Letter Three

I realized I haven't done that letter thing in awhile, so might as well do number three.

LETTER #3: THE PARENTS

Dear Mom and Dad,

*Sigh* I know I can be a testy teenager. Ever since Alex went off to France, you've been stuck with me. And I know I can't be the perfect daughter like she was. So just fucking accept it! Yes, I'm doing shitty in physics. Yes, I don't want to be a fucking lawyer or a doctor when I'm older. Yes, I'm seeing someone you forbade me to see (that ones only for mom). And there is PLENTY of shit you guys don't know about me. For instance, I hide a bottle of Firewhiskey in a backpack in my closet, along with some other things you'd kill me for owning. When I have boys that I like over, I like to make out out with them on the couch instead of really watching whatever shitty movie we put on. I cut from time to time (and no, Mom, those weren't Brian's razor blades, those were mine). And of course I think about losing my virginity! Shit, do you actually think that I'm such a little fascist nun? Open your eyes. For once.

Rants aside, you guys did raise me. You raised me to be kind and respectful to others and expect the same in return. And I know that even though half the time I can be a shitty daughter, the love I hold for you guys knows no bounds. As I entered high school and the world around me began to shift, it has become harder and harder to try and talk with you guys, or try to relate to you, because now we're occupying the spheres of a bad family sitcom- the rebellious young daughter and her strict, overly concerned parents. And I hate whenever I lose my temper, because Mom, you like to scream twice as loud as I do, and Dad, you just act the same way I do; we both bottle it up and remain seething until the other one comes to apologize. But you guys have always been there for me. Dad, you taught me how to throw a football, how to razz players at hockey games, that boys are jerks, why Sean Connery was a better Bond than Pierce Brosnan, and to always go for what I want, no matter the cost. Mom, you taught me how to be kind to others even when they're mean in return, how to ride a bike, how to love literature, how to bake, how to put on make up, and how to rise above the rest.

So, despite all my angsty teenage ways, I love you guys, heart and soul.

Your daughter,

Vixen.

-V.

My Bladed Brother.

"I'm going to kill him. I swear to god, I'm going to kill him."

I stared up at the face of David W.K, my honorary brother and parkour partner in crime. He came to see the show yesterday, and when the show was over, I came out and saw him waiting there, and I literally pitched myself onto him in a squealing hug. Ever since he had moved to university in Hamilton, I hardly ever saw him. I had missed him, more than I could possibly imagine. So obviously, we had to catch up. And, obviously, he found out about.... you know.

"David, please don't." I whispered. He stared at me with his soft brown eyes. His dark brown hair hung in his face, brushing past his forehead. It had grown rather long in the past few months.

"Okay. Okay, I won't. But, Vixen," He took my hand in his, his pale as marble, well worked hards cupped around my tan one. "I want you to know this isn't your fault. And I think maybe for the next little while, you ought to lay off the romance." He pointed a slender, almost elven finger at his temple. "Just until this is sorted out." I nodded, swallowing tears. He pulled me into a hug. He gave great hugs.

I also had mentioned the idea of me joining the senior football team next year.

"....Tony thinks I might actually get raped." I added, as that opinion had been expressed to me by Tony, a senior who was a 200+ lbs. offensive lineman on the team this season. David smiled.

"Go for it. You could totally do it. As for the 'rape', I'll talk to my friend. We'll get you a KA-BAR. No, better yet, a switchblade."

I grinned at the thought of me owning a switchblade. I'd have one of those garters on the thigh and keep it there. Like a female Shark from West Side Story.

Vixen, the blade-wielding, football playing, ass kicking babe.

I like the sound of that.

-V.

Forbidden.

So, I've been banned from seeing Hunter.
.....Shit.
My mom went through my messages on Skype and found some rather graphic and explicit things. She was pissed. So, we argued. I cried. Later, I told him how much I had fucked up. We agreed that neither of us was ready for any relationship. But, he still said;
"I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have made you done that. And no, you haven't fucked up. I want to see you this weekend. Whether it's for five minutes or a whole day, I want to see you."
And well, we saw each other. We met at the football field outside of my school after rehearsal. As soon as I was close enough he pulled me into a warm embrace. "I missed you." He said. "I missed you too." I mumbled the words into his neck. 
Later, as we were laying underneath the trees near the football field, something hit me that truly terrified me. I was developing feelings for him. As simple and as complicated as it is now, I was falling for him. I pulled away from his kiss.
"Hunter...."I whispered quietly. "There's something I want to tell you. I'm going to sound like a complete idiot, but I want to say it anyway."
His face remained close to mine, our eyes locked on each other. "What is it?"
I said, very quietly, "....What if I told you I thought I may be falling for you?"
He paused, and all I could think was "Shit."
But then, he looked at me. "I don't know. But what I do know is that I feel like you're someone I could care about, a lot. I know it's only been a short while, but it feels like..."
"We've known each other for longer?" I finished his sentence. Our eyes met and he whispered. "Yes." before pulling me into another kiss, like so many before, that could leave me breathless.
The days passed quickly. My show, Rent, opened. 
Then yesterday, my resolve broke down.
I had eaten so much. A&W, lunch, waffles, even more. I ran into the washroom and locked myself in a stall. My stomach was literally swelling.
I apologize in advance for saying what I'm about to say. In fact, I won't say it. All I'll do is say that I left the bathroom eventually, my stomach lighter.
Today I fought the urge to do it again. My friends snapped at me and mostly left me alone. I was supposed to go out for lunch, but they went ahead without me. But, we were so stressed and busy from the play that I didn't blame them for it. So I played loner. But it got to a point where I couldn't take it. I pulled out my cell phone and called my friend David C. I cried, he listened.
Now, I'm exhausted.

Damn. I want to look like that.


-V.

A lot of ground to Cover....

This one's gonna be a long one, ladies and gents. Two days worth of info, three poems, and rants and such.
Let's get started.



MONDAY
It had been looming on my mind for weeks. What had happened before, between Craig and I. 
When he hit me.
How could I possibly tell anyone how it happened? It'd come back to bite me in the ass. I'd be accused, shunned, all sorts of things.
I hastily scribbled down a poem in my brand new "music is my addiction" notebook during english. Or it might have been chemistry. I don't know.

The Phantom of Nowhere

Ever wish you could disappear?

Ever wish you could just

Let the lies and bitter,

Stinging words pass through you

Like you are a ghost.

You could wander, solitary

Like the lone crow in flight

And no one would notice

No one would care.

For once you could be

Dead to the masses,

Little more than a whisper

Among the harsh, cruel words

That we all know can easily

Break our bitter bones.

If I could be dead

Then just, perhaps,

I could be free.

Don't matter if I go

To heaven or hell

Anywhere is better than here-

NOWHERE.

After writing that, I felt a little desolate. I needed to tell someone, but who?

The thought preyed on my mind as I went to my physics class. During our work time, my friend Nathan leaned over and asked me if I was okay. I shook my head. I got a fresh piece of paper, and wrote on it. It was something we used to do back in grade 10. He read what it said: "What would you do if I told you a boy hit me?" He stared at the page for a moment, then he grabbed a pencil, and scribbled furiously. He handed the paper back to me.

"I would personally shit on their face. Who the fuck is it?"

I looked at him in fear. "Please don't do anything." I whispered. I could see malice and anger flare up in his eyes, but it softened when he heard the fear in my voice. He nodded.

My phone vibrated from it's spot in my pencil case. I grabbed it out and flipped it open. It was from Hunter.

"Locker. Now."

I raised my hand and asked if i could go to my washroom. My physics teacher, a very slack one at that, nodded, and I exited. I walked down the hall, my heels rapping on the linoleum floor. I pulled down the hem of my red and black corset slightly and made a right, to the hall where my locker, and Hunters, was. He was there, waiting, and his head turned in my direction. We'd been sexting for the past half an hour, I knew that he wanted me.

"Hey." I greeted him, walking up. Without a word, he swept me into his arms and kissed me, long and hard. I felt my knees quiver very slightly. He pulled apart from me and stared a little. 

"I want you so bad right now," He whispered, holding my shoulders. I gave him a small smile. "I want you, too..." I whispered back. he smiled at me and rooted through his open locker. "How are you?" 

"What can I say?" I thought to myself. And then it dawned on me. I was tired. Tired of keeping secrets. 

I swallowed hard, preparing myself. "Oh... I just admitted something to my friend."

"What's that?"

My voice was small as I said. ".....about how my last boyfriend hit me."

"What?" He turned to look at me. I let out a breath. "I said, about how my last boyfriend hit me."

Hunter stared. "What?"  He asked, in disbelief.

"I didn't want to tell you...." I whispered softly, staring at the speckled linoleum of the floor. The gravity of it all dumped itself onto me like a ton of bricks. The memory raced through my mind, how hard he had been kissing me, and how he had suddenly reared back and struck me across the face. My head was stuck staring to the side, in shock. I felt my face grow warm in shame.

"Hey, wait..." Hunter whispered, and he pulled me into a hug, one of those lifesaving hugs that you need at times like this. I felt my body sag in his arms, like a switch in me had flipped off. I was tired. So tired.

He pulled away, but he looked at me deeply, with concern. "When was this?" He asked.

"A few weeks... no, a month ago..." I mumbled. "When we were still dating.... before he broke up with me."

"Jesus." Hunter muttered. "Hannah, I am so sorry."

"Don't apologize, it's not your fault." I said quietly.

"Still, you don't deserve that." He said, conviction in his every word.

"The fact of whether I deserve it or not could be argued...." I whispered, but he shook his head.

"Hannah, you didn't deserve that at all. Now come here." He pulled me into another embrace, and I let him hold me, struggling not to cry.

One thing off my chest..... eight hundred more to go.

We texted later that night, and I couldn't get over it. I was still scared.

That's when he said: "I'm here, Hannah. You'll always be safe in my arms."

No one had ever said anything like that to me. 

No one.

TODAY (TUESDAY)

Wandered into school, wrote two poems. I'll only post one now.

I only wish

I only wish you knew

How much of a broken, fragile

Porcelain girl I am.

I may seem strong, unbreakable

Indestructible.

But... all I am is weak,

The cracks starting to form

On the dainty china of my skin.

Splitting me apart,

I only wish you knew

How much of a scared, insecure,

Cowardly girl I am.

But I have no wizard to

Give me my courage, I

Got to keep walking down

This god damn brick road.

I only wish you knew

How much of a sorcerer

I think you are.

Only blackest magic could

Have changed, transformed me

Into the lovesick creature I am.

I only wish you knew 

How much I long for you

How often the thought of you

Flitters across my mind

Like a bird in the dark night.

However long I feel your kiss linger,

Soft sweetness on my lips

I only wish you knew....

Hunter and I met up at the library at lunch, and we were on the computers. His friend (Nathan) came over and chatted with him, and I figure, ah hell, might as well check the blog. I just got onto my dashboard, when I hear him go. "Oh seriously, you have a blog too?"

......SHIT.

I logged off as quick as I could and booked it, but not before I saw him go onto the first page of my blog.... right where my letter to him awaited.

Shitshitshitshitballsfuckshitshitshit.....

Thankfully, he only read the one post I wrote after my low self confidence got the better of me.

Speaking of which, I'm getting love handles.

That's enough for one night. I'm exhausted. With everything.

-V.

Letter Two/ Ashamed...

I was called a 'town bike' by one of my so called friends.
I may be a virgin, but.... I just don't know what to do.


Day two of the 30 day, 30 letter challenge. Time for letter #2; the crush. 

Dear Hunter,
Hi.
You'll probably never read this (and I hope to god you don't, because then I'd be so embarrassed that I'd hide my head in the ground) so I'm going to say the truth.
Even before that fateful night at the dance, I noticed you. Just in english class, I mean. I'd see you in your jersey and think "Damn. Some lucky girl he must have."
And that night, at the dance, I remember you holding me, us dancing, and feeling.... free. And when you asked for my number, and we talked till 1 in the morning.... I felt like something amazing was about to start. And it did.
You're sweet, you're handsome, you're intelligent.... you're the package deal. So how in the hell did a screwup like me get with someone like you? It's something I ask myself every day. Maybe fate was on my side at the Halloween dance.
I.... I'm also very nervous around you. Nervous about who you think I am, what I mean to you. When you ask me about my problems, I'm afraid to tell you, because I don't want to scare you off. I've worked damn hard to get to where I am now and I don't want the past to screw it all up.
However, the little moments I've shared with you..... our first date, holding my hand in the hallway, remembering the way you kiss me.... it makes all this shit I've endured seem like nothing. 
But.... I wish you knew how broken I really was. How hurtful I can be. How screwed up I act. How possessive I can get. I try so hard to hide this from you, but I'm tired of living a lie. How can I approach this?
Well.... first things first.

I care about you. 
I think your eyes are gorgeous. I love to stare into them.
I love how you hold my hand.
I love how you can make me laugh.
I love how laid back, how at ease with the world you are.
So... I'm still going to try and take this as slow as possible.
Because..... I want you.
And if you want me back.... that would be amazing.
Love and other indoor sports,
Vixen.

That's all, folks.

-V.

Dear World.....

Fuck you.


Sincerely, Vixen.

Letter One/Awaiting...

I worked on the set for my play today. Was largely ignored by my friends- once again, the invisible girl.
I'm waiting to see Hunter tomorrow.
Not much else is going on.....
So. 
I was trying to think of ways to fill up this blog, and was simultaneously creeping my friend Rachael's tumblr, and I came across something rather interesting. One of those little "challenges" where you have to write a letter to a different kind of person every day. So I figure.....

So, Day One, Letter One. It's supposed to be to my best friend... but lucky me, I have three.


Dear Arien, Rachael, and Darcy.
Let me tell you guys something. Until you wonderful women came along in my life, I had virtually no close girl friends. It was a thing with me.... i never met girls whom I really wanted to get to know. But then, that fateful, fateful day, when the assface we all know hurt me, and you all comforted me, and the next night, getting together for the halloween dance. We've all grown closer, and I actually do envision us as that group of girls that you see in the movies- the best friends, ready to take on the world together. And you have no idea how special my friendship with you guys have. You've seen me at my best, at my worst, and I've seen you guys those ways too. I can really be myself when i'm with you all.... and that in itself is an ordinary miracle.
You guys, all three of you, are incredible women. You're all beautiful and funny, and you don't take shit from anyone. And I wouldn't trade any of you for the world.
Stay classy, stay beautiful.... stay friends forever.
Love, with all my heart,
Vixen.


Here's the copy of the challenge for you guys to read (and so I don't forget it...)


THE CHALLENGE
Day 01 - Your best friend
Day 02 - Your crush
Day 03 - Your parents
Day 04 - Your sibling
Day 05 - Your dreams
Day 06 - A stranger
Day 07 - Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 08 - Your favorite internet friend
Day 09 - Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 - Someone you don’t talk to as often as you’d like
Day 11 - A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 - The person you hate the most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 - Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 - The person you miss the most
Day 16 - Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 - Someone from your childhood
Day 18 - The person you wish you could be
Day 19 - Someone that pesters your mind - good or bad
Day 20 - Someone that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance
Day 23 - The last person you kissed
Day 24 - The person who gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 - The person you know is going through the worst of times
Day 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only a day
Day 28 - Someone that changed your life
Day 29 - The person that you want to tell everything to, but are too afraid
Day 30 - Your reflection in the mirror


-V.

Wishing...

Well. 11:11 PM on Novermber 11, 2011 just came and passed.
What did I wish for?
Well, what I always wish for.
Happiness.
I asked Hunter what he was wishing for, just before the clock hit that magical time.
"That I was lying beside you in bed, staring into your beautiful eyes."
Maybe..... just maybe...
My wish already came true.


-V.

Not much to say...

....Except for the fact that I wrote another poem today.

A Crow in Flight

I close my eyes, and I see you

Standing there, a statue 

Of self confidence 

And stone cold conviction.

I blink- try to clear

The thoughts in my head,

Swirling, mixing, combining

Into a single entity of 

Sights and sounds-

But your image is tattooed

To my eyelids, a live-in

Of my brain, my thoughts

(How much is the rent, babe?)

The white noise around me-

Slews of gibberish, nonsensical words

And phrases, spoken without an

Ounce of self assurance-

It dies off, when I recall the sweet, sordid past

And I hear your low, dark voice

In my hear, making me strain

To listen to the silence.

And now I'm scanning

The skies above me

Looking for the bird that flies

Through my deepest desires.

A solitary crow in flight,

Vanishing into the dark abyss

That is my heart.

Will write more tomorrow. I promise.

-V.

Shut your trap- No one wants to hear you.

I never want to fucking hear the song "Jar of Hearts" ever again.

Much better.


Today was the talent show.
Let's start this tale of woe....


THE TALENT SHOW
I paced the stage back and forth, the presence of the other contestants not even registering in my brain. I glanced over at the judges table, where Hunter was sitting. He waved at me and I wiggled my fingers back at him, then continued to nervously pace. About 90% of the people performing were singing. And one of the four judges were Hunter. Last year, I embarrassed myself when the judges said rude and nasty things about me. But then they came up to me later, telling me that they gave bad comments to the good ones and good comments to the bad ones. It was all staged. But it had still hurt.
So why, for god's sake, was I going to do it again?
I don't know.
I really don't know what made me do it.
But before I knew it, I was sitting with the other contestants in the seats of the auditorium, my stomach getting progressively sicker. After several very talented acts, it was my turn to go up. I knew it was going to be bad when I heard a bunch of jocks from the balcony yell out Hunter's name. Shit. They knew. Then again, it wasn't exactly the biggest secret. Then, they tried to play my music from the halfway point. Dumbass tech crew. 
So I sang. I sang as best as I could. Gradually I became aware that people in the audience where talking while I was singing, but they faded into white noise as I struggled to keep up with the accompaniment. Finally, I finished. There was a small smattering of polite applause. I got off the stage quickly, and took my seat. I didn't even hear the "nice judge"'s comment. All I heard was Aleeshya, a rich, beautiful, blonde girl in school parliament who was Maureen in RENT. 
"You slaughtered every youtube cover ever."
The audience "ooooooooh"'d their approval. 
I didn't hear Dakota's comment.
The microphone was passed to Hunter. I bit my lip, unable to look at him.
"You really made that song your own..." He said, and my heart leapt.
"....too bad."
Bang, shot down.
I couldn't help it. The tears began to fall. 
Fuck them. 
Fuck them all.
(Hey look a poem)
Maddy, a popular, attractive girl from my cast (she had done an acoustic cover of "Someone like You"-Adele) sat next to me. 
"Vixen!" She squealed, hugging me. "What are those tears for? You did great!"
Fuck you and your sympathy, Maddy, I thought as I angrily wiped the stubborn tears away. "I'm fine." I lied. Eventually she left. I rushed to the bathroom as soon as I could and stayed there. 
I got into 4th period (musical theatre) with my eyes back at normal colour. Darcy saw me and approached. "You did so good, Vixen!" She exclaimed, or some other praise like that. "Did you hear what Hunter said?" I whispered bleakly. She nodded.
"Vixen, did you see him during the song?" She asked. I shook my head.
"I was listening to him, but I was watching him. They passed along the slip of paper with his line to him. He read it, and he kept shaking his head, and the other judges kept nodding it. He didn't want to read it. And he looked so nervous after."
This stopped me. I sniffled, and looked into Darcy's soft, amber eyes. "Really?"
"Really." She nodded. I sighed and buried my face into her neck, smelling her hair. "You smell nice." I remarked.
When the bell rang, I decided to go grab my stuff. I headed up towards my locker, and opened it quickly, stuffing my physics notes into my backpack. I kept looking at the staircase, wondering if I'd see Hunter. Sure enough, I saw him come through the door. Our eyes met for a fraction of a second, and I forced myself to look away. I was embarrassed. I was pissed.
But still he approached.
"Hey, you did great." He said, rubbing my shoulder.
"Hmph." I replied indignantly, not looking at him.
"What's wrong?" He asked, his voice tinged with concern. I finally looked out from my locker.
"I just love making myself look like an idiot in front of the entire school, you know that?" I said bitterly, throwing the textbook into my bag.
"Hey, hey, what do you mean?" He started, but I shook my head. "You did great. Better than I thought you would, actually." 
Well thanks, asshole.  I thought to myself as I zippered up my bag and he went off to his locker. A couple of girls started talking to him as I pretended to root through my stuff. Fuck. Fuck. Who the hell did he think he was, anyway? Fuck.
I zippered up my bag, put on my jacket, and walked down the hall. I passed by Hunter, and as he looked at me, I gave him a smile, but it felt like a grimace.
"See you." I tried to say as flatly as possible, but instead, my voice sounded small, meek, sad. 
"Hey, hey, wait." He said, and he grabbed my wrist. I hesitated, and that was just enough time for him to lean in and say, "Can you wait for me?" I swallowed and nodded. Dammit. He had -has- me on a fucking string. He closed his locker and finished talking to the girls about some kind of lab, and they smiled at me. I looked at the ground.
He walked me back to the auditorium.
"Thanks for being merciful with your comments." I noted, a slight sting of sarcasm in my voice. He looked slightly upset. "Yeah... we were given cards to read off of." He said. So it was true. I nodded and looked at the ground. "Do you have Rent?" He asked. 
"Yeah. I came up to get my stuff. What about you?" 
"I gotta work on a Law project that's due tomorrow."
"Oh. Well, have fun..." I began to leave, but he grabbed my wrist again.
"Hey, hey..." He whispered softly, and he pulled me into a warm embrace, planting a kiss on my cheek. "You did fine, okay?" He said to me. 
"Really?"
"Really."
I smiled weakly and kissed his cheek. We kissed each other full on, and then he held onto my hand. "I'll see you around." I said softly. His hand was still touching mine as he walked away. 
"See you." He said, and then he left.
I guess I felt a little better after that....
But I'm still never doing the show again.


-V.

Ginormous Girl in the Looking Glass

I looked at my naked body in the steamy mirror after my shower.

Fat.

Fat everywhere.

God, why did I eat so much today?

Can't let myself go....

Just can't.

I have to be thin.

I have to be beautiful.

I have to impress Hunter.

I have to prove Craig wrong.....

I have to prove to myself I can be thin.

Last Sunday Night/This Monday Morning

God... where do I begin? 

Last night....

Last night was the date.

Let's start from the beginning, shall we?

THE DATE

I waited patiently at the movie theatre for Hunter to arrive. My hair was curled, my makeup carefully done, and I wore my black and pink dress, fishnets, and low heeled black boots. I glanced over at the arcade, eyeing the Time Crisis 3 game. Should I be playing it when he came in? He'd arrive to see this ass kicking babe shooting up virtual soldiers..... Yeah, great impression.

I wandered into the arcade, and back out, when I suddenly saw him approach. His hair was cut shorter, and his beard was a little bit less shaggy. he wore a gray peacoat over his t-shirt and jeans, with a remembrance day poppy pinned to the front.

"Hey." He greeted me, hands in his pockets.

"Hey." I said, and my voice was all soft and fluttery. Dammit! How in the hell did he make me act like this. I pushed the thought aside, clearing my throat. "I got you your ticket ahead of time. The line was huge." He nodded, and reached in his wallet to pay me back in loonies and toonies.

We went up the stairs to the theatre, and we headed in. The theatre was pretty empty, unsurprisingly, since Paranormal Activity 3 had been out for a few weeks prior.

It was quite frankly, the worst horror movie I had ever seen. We pretty much cracked jokes the entire first half and hour. 

I leaned against his shoulder carefully, trying not to press too hard into him. His hand casually brushed mine as he shifted around. Our previous sexual banter in our conversations over Facebook and text was on my mind, and the arousing subtext of our situation seemed to roar up past the plot of our innocent movie date. Very discreetly, I traced the edge of his outer thigh with the tip of my pinkie. I did this maybe twice, and then his hand suddenly darted out and grasped my hand, running his thumb along the fleshy crevice between my index finger and thumb. 
Hook, line and sinker. 
Despite knowing that i had just got what I wanted, I still blushed furiously, and thanked god that we were in a dark theatre. His hand was big, warm, holding mine with a strong grip. He had soft skin.

We held hands for a while, and then, I felt his fingertips on the side of my chin. He carefully tilted my face towards his, and he went in for the kill, placing his lips on mine. Everything seemed to dissolve away, the soundtrack to the movie becoming quiet, as I relished the feel of his kiss, his fingertips tracing my cheek. It was the way I have always wanted to be kissed, but somehow never was. Our lips parted and I ran my fingers through his dark hair, the taste of him slowly melting me from within.

It was perfect.

He put his arm around me and I snuggled up close to him, laying my head on the scratchy wool of his coat.

The movie ended, and the small amount of people in the theatre began to clear out. We were the last to leave. Suddenly, when we were about to exit, he held onto my hand and pulled me back a bit. The theatre was now abandoned, and we were alone.
"Hey." He whispered. I look at him, and gave him a devilish smirk. "Hey." 
"Heyyy, do you kiss on the first date?" The lyrics rang through my mind.
Sure enough, he pulled me in and kissed me, long and hard. I surrendered to him completely, and he pushed me against the wall. My hands flew up to knot in his hair as he cupped my face and pulled me in closer, our bodies pressing against one another. 
After an undisclosed amount of time, we finally broke apart. We looked at each other and smiled. "I don't want anyone to walk in on us." He said. "Me neither." I answered. "You wanna get a bite?" He nodded. "Sure." He hugged an arm around my shoulder protectively, and we exited the theatre,  like we'd done this many times before, like we were actually a couple.
We walked over to Prince Al's, a local diner in the downtown spot. We split a plate of fries and a butterscotch milkshake.
"So..." I said, attempting my best Sigmund Freud imitation, "Tell me about yourself."
He raised an eyebrow. "We're really going to do that?"
I laughed. "Okay, okay. What kind of music do you like?"
He paused, taking a sip of his milkshake. "Hmm.... well I like classic rock...." He flashed a grin and then went into a flamboyantly homosexual accent "....and long walks on the beach..." I cracked up.
We went on like that, discussing our  childhood fears, our families, and how bad of an actor Nicholas Cage was. I spent several minutes trying to convince him that he was actually good in one of my favourite movies, Moonstruck. He wouldn't hear it.
We finally left the diner (he picked up the tab, even though I insisted on paying him back), and we went to the park nearby the diner. We avoided the tent city of Occupy Wall Street protesters, and wandered around along the paved sidewalks, grassy fields, and tall trees, already covered with christmas lights. 
"Holy shit, go away Christmas." He exclaimed. I chuckled. "I know, eh?"
"It reminds me of when I was in July, and the back to school ads came up." He went on. "It's like, "I thought school was out forever?' And they're all "Nope, schools out for summer." 
I laughed. "Yeah. Alice Cooper totally bullshitted us." I started humming "School's Out" to myself. 
His hand escaped around mine, quickly, no fuss. Like it was second nature. Like he'd been doing it for years. Like that's where my hand was supposed to be; enfolded in his.

We sat down at a nearby bench, and he put his arm around me. There was just a small nip in the November air- not enough to chill me, but enough to cool me down.
Again, his fingertips brushed my cheek and he tilted my face around to look at me. However, he didn't kiss me. 
"Let me stare at your eyes." He said softly. Writing it down now, it sounds like a cheesy movie line, but it sounded so natural, so real when he said it. I gazed into his eyes. Beautiful orbs of glossy chestnut brown, streaked with hazes of amber, gazed back into my own. I wondered if he was thinking what I was thinking: that I would love to be eternally lost in those eyes.
"You have gorgeous eyes." I whispered. He smiled at me. "Thank you. So do you." I grinned. "What did you call them before? 'Dashing'?" He chuckled. "Yeah, yeah I did." There was a brief moment of silence, which I broke my leaning in and kissing him. I couldn't get enough of it. That first kiss in the movie theatre had opened the floodgates, and now I needed more. Thankfully, he seemed willing to give, and lord, did he give. He touched my face, my hair, my waist, pulling me ever closer.
I felt a vibration in my pocket.
"Dammit..." I hissed, breaking apart from his sweet lips, and looking at the caller ID. Mom. Fuck. I flipped it opened and answered. "Hi mom.... yeah, we're walking around Vic park... no, I'm not cold..." At that moment, Hunter nuzzled my neck and nibbled softly on my skin. "Hunter, stop it!" I whispered harshly, and he grinned back at me, pulling me into a bear hug. I giggled. "...yes mom. ...No, I don't. Okay, we'll meet you there. Yes, I had a good time. Okay. Bye." I snapped the phone shut and gazed mournfully at Hunter. "They'll be here soon."
"I'll have to take a rain check on hanging out at your place." He said. "My dad wants me to look after the kids."
Kids?
"I've got a six year old sister and a four year old brother."
I nodded. Predictably, we began to kiss again. He suddenly broke apart from me.
"You know..." He paused, and kissed me again. "I would love.." Another kiss. "To kiss..." Kiss. "Every..." Kiss. "Inch..." Kiss. "Of your..." Kiss. "Beautiful..." Kiss. "...body." 
He paused again. "Sorry, I like to speak between kisses."
"Mmm. I'd love that." I whispered. He started to plant tender kisses down my neck, down the front on my coat. Sweet jesus. I had to wait for this?
We finally (I don't know how) managed to break apart and started to walk towards the parking lot where my mum and dad were picking us up. Before we reached the outer edges of the bandshell near the end of the park, he grabbed my hand, like he did before we left the movie theatre.
"I've got an idea." He said to me. He led me aside, off to a dark corner in the building. He pressed me against the wall, staring deep into my eyes.
"I know I have to take a rain check for alone time..." He murmured, "But why don't I give you the preview?" And with that, he kissed me passionately, and it felt like the air around us caught fire. He lifted up one of my legs, then hooked his hand under the opposite thigh and held me up, so I was held up against the wall, straddling him. He began to grind into me, and I flashed back to the dance, but this was so much more intimate, so much more intense.... I'd been waiting for this, and it was making it so much more sweeter. He kept going, faster and harder, his lips still kissing me devoutly, and I was taken over, mesmerized by this spectacle of teenaged lust.
He finally let me go and set me down gently. I let out a shaky gasp. "Holy shit." I managed to say. He smirked, took my hand, and we walked towards the parking lot.
I paused. "That was about the sexiest thing that I have ever seen." I admitted. "Really?" He mused, still smiling. 
We got to the car, where my dutiful parents were waiting. They drove us over to Hunter's dad's house. On the ride there, Hunter picked up my hand, without warning, and kissed it softly. However, he continued to kiss, up my arm, like Gomez and Morticia from the Addams Family. I giggled softly. He looked up at me and motioned me to come closer. I did, and he planted a kiss on my lips, then whispered in my ear "You look very pretty." I blushed, smiled. "Thank you." I whispered back.
We got to his house, and I walked him to the door. "Is it okay if I kiss you in front of your parents?" He asked. I nodded, and we kissed one last time. "Goodnight." I said, smiling. "Goodnight." He answered back.


As soon as I got home, I wrote a poem.

Lovesick

After all that time

After all the dreams, fears

Gnawing through my brain,

Sparking in my eye sockets-

After all that time, we finally got out 

The chest paddles and pillows

Bringing the dreams back to life

And putting the fears to rest.

That heavy feeling is gone from

My chest, and I feel myself

Rising, blissfully happy.

I never thought a night like this

Could be so- powerful, so

Gentle, so passionate,

So sweet, so....

Contradictory.

And it seems you've turned me

Into a lover junkie.

And every kiss, every touch

Every second you stare in my eyes

Is another hit, another amazing

Exhilarating rush.

I'm blasting off on the high of you,

I can still taste you, still hear you

Still see, smell, feel you.

And I don't ever want to come down.

So slam me against the wall,

Give it all, provide me with

My drugs, you are 

My dealer, and you are

The lovebug that's making me

So sick.

It was a night to remember.... my first date with Hunter C.

***

THE NEXT DAY

The day passed by in a blur. I was still in a daze throughout the whole day. I sprayed on perfume in the morning, but all I could smell was Hunter's coat, musky and warm, with a faint hint of cologne. I remember trying to feel through the contents of my backpack, but all I could feel was Hunter's lips on mine. I tried to focus on the equations on the board in chemistry, but all I could see was his face close to mine, staring me in the eyes. The lunch I bought tasted like ash in my mouth, because all I could taste was the sweet milkshake at Prince Al's, and the taste of Hunter's mouth. My friends tried to make conversation, but all I could hear were his murmured whispers in my ear, his low voice making me strain to listen.

At the end of the day, I saw him at his locker.

"Wassup, Peacoat?" I greeted him, walking up to his locker.

"Hey." He said, getting up from his kneeling position on the floor and hoisting his gym bag over his shoulder. "What are you up to?"

"Studying for a chemistry test." I made a face. "You?"

"I have to help clear out the locker room." He said, shrugging. 

"Hannah!" I heard a voice exclaim behind me, and I saw Katie, a girl in my cast for the school's production of RENT, approaching me.

"They want you in the dance studio." She informed me.

I lifted an eyebrow. "The hell? The said they didn't need me."

She shrugged. "Guess they do now." And she bounded off. I sighed and turned to Hunter.

"Well. Guess I gotta dance now. Duty calls." 

"Can I give you a hug?" Hunter asked.

"Of course." I smiled. He pulled me in and held me close. We pulled away from each other, and I smiled brightly at him.

Suddenly, he leaned in and kissed me.

In front of a hallway full of people.

"I'll see you later." He called out.

You can damn well bet I left the school squeeing myself silly.

-V.

Life is sweet.

 There is chocolate pie in my fridge. 
Hunter and I are going on a date tomorrow night.
I've been listening to nothing but Danko Jones for about 4 hours straight.
Life. 
Is. 
Good.


Cue sexy-ass bassline. 


"If you wanna do it, do it right, up and down, side to side, baby we could do it for a night, don't hold me back...."


Ah, who knew songs about eating a chick out could be so catchy. (Listen to "Eating Ain't Cheating"- by Steel Panther).


I better explain. Hunter was texting me drunk last night. Lots of hearts and winky faces sent. It was pretty funny, and I was able to cement plans with him for tomorrow night. Awwwwww yeah.


BTW, if any of you know, it's the fifth of november- Time to break out the search engine and watch V for Vendetta online!



Oh, and theres chocolate pie in the fridge. Fuck yeah.


I found an old poem I wrote after Craig and I broke up. Read it, don't read it, I don't care, I'm posting it anyway.

Hurts to even see your Face

Too soon, you cried

Too quickly, too hard

Too fast.

I let myself fall

Too soon, too quickly,

Too hard, too fast.

And to think, from now,

I can ever trust my heart again?

My conscious cries "Bullshit"

And of course, I'm still screaming

Inside.

How can a time so short

Leave me broken for so long?

And all the while, you're still crying wolf

(I can't help it, baby, this is who I am)

(I'm sorry but I can't just go turn off how I feel)
Babe, I'm not a light switch
Nor am I a shepherd
I can't lead you to safety
So I'll just leave you to your better judgement
Go on, trudge off with
That fragile piece of my heart
Some day it better come back-
Someday, I want to love again
And I sure as hell don't want you
To be the reason I don't.

You know, typing that out, I feel like I should feel unhappy, being reminded yet again of that.

Strangely enough, I don't.

Maybe I'm all better now.

Or maybe I've just developed a "Fuck it" attitude again.

Like this, except more humanoid-ish.

Well, in the words of MCR (Helena): 

So long, and goodnight, so long, and goodnight!

-V.

Danko Jones and Dropping Poetry

Today I looked at my naked bottom half in the mirror. 
What's the word of the day, subconscious?
Dumpy?
Sounds great.


Sorry I didn't blog yesterday- two unfinished projects, awards night, and a whole lot of thinking didn't leave me much time to do anything, much less get on here and spill my guts. To compensate, this blog'll be chock fulla shit, featuring rants, poems, music, even a gif or two.

Press play my lovelies, and let's get this show on the road. (PS: This song brings out my inner stripper. I'll probably prance around in my hooker heels and babydoll top to this later.)


I better talk about the whole Hunter sitch while it's still fresh in my mind. After my last post, we had been texting. Sexually charged flirting, you know us teenagers. Suddenly, he suggests that we "find a time and place" to do all the things we've said. I looked at the phone, and quickly texted (at east, as fast as a Motorola Razor can allow): "...what are you suggesting?"
He texted back: "I think you know. ;)"
I paused, briefly. Did I know? Was he actually.... no, it couldn't be. I hesitated, and then, I asked:
"....like a date?"
His response?
"Yeah, something intimate. A setting where it's just the two of us."
I don't know how many times I've read THAT text over....
So, yeah, he asked me out.
.....




^ Pretty much how I felt (feel).


So that night we decide to meet after his football practice after school the next day.
So, the next day, he passes me in the hall. As though it's completely natural, his hand brushes my shoulder as he walks by, leaving fire upon my skin. I spun around and watched him walk away, head towards the stairs. I couldn't help but smile and blush. 
God, I'm such a sucker.
So then, since I was stuck at school anyway (no way to get home) and I had to stay for awards night, I just decided to wait.
So I wait.
And wait.
About 20 minutes after his practice was supposed to end, I text him, asking him if we were still meeting up. After five minutes, he replied, saying that his dad had picked him up for a birthday dinner.
"It's not his fault, completely." Darcy, who was with me at the time, noted.


Still, I felt (feel) like this:    


So, then, after Darcy had left me, I wrote a little pathetic poem.

An Asymptomatic Lover

Waiting, now alone.

Your touch still burning on my shoulder

I'm half here, half gone

The not quite invisible girl

Embarrassed by my own thoughts

Stupid for thinking I ever had a chance

With you.

Will we ever act on

The words we say?

Or will what we have

(Whatever this may be)

Consist of made up fantasies

Ready to come alive

Yet pushed away.

Can't face you yet again

I've grown bolder, but still can't try

(Funny how I'm nervous still...)

Play it cool, end up just a fool

That's my life story, babe.

And I understand if you don't

Want to get twisted up

In the likes of me.

You deserve better,

Even I deserve better.....

No, you deserve better.

I deserve nothing, except

One more day to try

And get through.

And suddenly, I feel very lonely once again

And I have to remind myself

That you're not here for me-

Never was, never will be.

Told you it was pathetic.

Ah well. Anyway. Next day (today) I realized that if I still wanted this date, I couldn't be a bitch and give him the cold shoulder. So I fired a text his way, wishing him luck on the football game today. He responded with a "Thanks!"

Some faith in humanity had been restored.

Then, I wrote another poem. Equally as pathetic, just with a different tone.

"Do you kiss on the first date?"

A kiss.

I can imagine it so well.

A kiss between 

You and I.

Your hands gripping my waist,

Warm fingers biting into my skin

Feeling the touch of the rough hair

On your face, on my fingertips.

Our eyes will meet,

Circles of dark, smooth brown

Like pools of melted chocolate

Locked onto the spheres

Of forest green, with specks

Of hazel wood, dots of

Blue sky, an undecided colour.

That brief moment of silence

Screaming to be filled

And then, you pull me close

My heart will compress and then

Grow, so large, and soar

And then- our lips meet.

Soft, warm, fluttery contact

This incredible connection

Skin to skin, heart to heart

My fingers teasing through

Your curly hair....

A kiss.

fUUUUUU- that took me forever to write.

SO. Recap.

Boys are weird.

Poetry is fun.

I like trains.

Sayonara, bitches. Chew on that till next time.

-V.