Let's get started.
MONDAY
It had been looming on my mind for weeks. What had happened before, between Craig and I.
When he hit me.
How could I possibly tell anyone how it happened? It'd come back to bite me in the ass. I'd be accused, shunned, all sorts of things.
I hastily scribbled down a poem in my brand new "music is my addiction" notebook during english. Or it might have been chemistry. I don't know.
The Phantom of Nowhere
Ever wish you could disappear?
Ever wish you could just
Let the lies and bitter,
Stinging words pass through you
Like you are a ghost.
You could wander, solitary
Like the lone crow in flight
And no one would notice
No one would care.
For once you could be
Dead to the masses,
Little more than a whisper
Among the harsh, cruel words
That we all know can easily
Break our bitter bones.
If I could be dead
Then just, perhaps,
I could be free.
Don't matter if I go
To heaven or hell
Anywhere is better than here-
NOWHERE.
After writing that, I felt a little desolate. I needed to tell someone, but who?
The thought preyed on my mind as I went to my physics class. During our work time, my friend Nathan leaned over and asked me if I was okay. I shook my head. I got a fresh piece of paper, and wrote on it. It was something we used to do back in grade 10. He read what it said: "What would you do if I told you a boy hit me?" He stared at the page for a moment, then he grabbed a pencil, and scribbled furiously. He handed the paper back to me.
"I would personally shit on their face. Who the fuck is it?"
I looked at him in fear. "Please don't do anything." I whispered. I could see malice and anger flare up in his eyes, but it softened when he heard the fear in my voice. He nodded.
My phone vibrated from it's spot in my pencil case. I grabbed it out and flipped it open. It was from Hunter.
"Locker. Now."
I raised my hand and asked if i could go to my washroom. My physics teacher, a very slack one at that, nodded, and I exited. I walked down the hall, my heels rapping on the linoleum floor. I pulled down the hem of my red and black corset slightly and made a right, to the hall where my locker, and Hunters, was. He was there, waiting, and his head turned in my direction. We'd been sexting for the past half an hour, I knew that he wanted me.
"Hey." I greeted him, walking up. Without a word, he swept me into his arms and kissed me, long and hard. I felt my knees quiver very slightly. He pulled apart from me and stared a little.
"I want you so bad right now," He whispered, holding my shoulders. I gave him a small smile. "I want you, too..." I whispered back. he smiled at me and rooted through his open locker. "How are you?"
"What can I say?" I thought to myself. And then it dawned on me. I was tired. Tired of keeping secrets.
I swallowed hard, preparing myself. "Oh... I just admitted something to my friend."
"What's that?"
My voice was small as I said. ".....about how my last boyfriend hit me."
"What?" He turned to look at me. I let out a breath. "I said, about how my last boyfriend hit me."
Hunter stared. "What?" He asked, in disbelief.
"I didn't want to tell you...." I whispered softly, staring at the speckled linoleum of the floor. The gravity of it all dumped itself onto me like a ton of bricks. The memory raced through my mind, how hard he had been kissing me, and how he had suddenly reared back and struck me across the face. My head was stuck staring to the side, in shock. I felt my face grow warm in shame.
"Hey, wait..." Hunter whispered, and he pulled me into a hug, one of those lifesaving hugs that you need at times like this. I felt my body sag in his arms, like a switch in me had flipped off. I was tired. So tired.
He pulled away, but he looked at me deeply, with concern. "When was this?" He asked.
"A few weeks... no, a month ago..." I mumbled. "When we were still dating.... before he broke up with me."
"Jesus." Hunter muttered. "Hannah, I am so sorry."
"Don't apologize, it's not your fault." I said quietly.
"Still, you don't deserve that." He said, conviction in his every word.
"The fact of whether I deserve it or not could be argued...." I whispered, but he shook his head.
"Hannah, you didn't deserve that at all. Now come here." He pulled me into another embrace, and I let him hold me, struggling not to cry.
One thing off my chest..... eight hundred more to go.
We texted later that night, and I couldn't get over it. I was still scared.
That's when he said: "I'm here, Hannah. You'll always be safe in my arms."
No one had ever said anything like that to me.
No one.
TODAY (TUESDAY)
Wandered into school, wrote two poems. I'll only post one now.
I only wish
I only wish you knew
How much of a broken, fragile
Porcelain girl I am.
I may seem strong, unbreakable
Indestructible.
But... all I am is weak,
The cracks starting to form
On the dainty china of my skin.
Splitting me apart,
I only wish you knew
How much of a scared, insecure,
Cowardly girl I am.
But I have no wizard to
Give me my courage, I
Got to keep walking down
This god damn brick road.
I only wish you knew
How much of a sorcerer
I think you are.
Only blackest magic could
Have changed, transformed me
Into the lovesick creature I am.
I only wish you knew
How much I long for you
How often the thought of you
Flitters across my mind
Like a bird in the dark night.
However long I feel your kiss linger,
Soft sweetness on my lips
I only wish you knew....
Hunter and I met up at the library at lunch, and we were on the computers. His friend (Nathan) came over and chatted with him, and I figure, ah hell, might as well check the blog. I just got onto my dashboard, when I hear him go. "Oh seriously, you have a blog too?"
......SHIT.
I logged off as quick as I could and booked it, but not before I saw him go onto the first page of my blog.... right where my letter to him awaited.
Shitshitshitshitballsfuckshitshitshit.....
Thankfully, he only read the one post I wrote after my low self confidence got the better of me.
Speaking of which, I'm getting love handles.
That's enough for one night. I'm exhausted. With everything.
-V.
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