I just wish I was thinner.
I took some measurements:
hips: 33 1/2 inches.
waist: 26.2 inches.
belly: 31.5 inches.
thigh: 21 inches.
breasts: 33 inches
ass: 35.7 inches.
God.
Why can't I look like that?
Or like that?
Or like that?
Why can't I just stop eating?
Why can't I be thinner?
Why?
Moving on....
Something wonderful occurred, just a few days ago.
Between my shows on thursday, I went over to Hunter's apartment and spent the afternoon there.
Almost as soon as we got in the door, he kissed me tenderly, and our bodies moved close together. I pulled away and smiled.
"Alone at last." I said softly, and he smiled. He was clean shaven now, having shaved off his Movember facial hair.
"What do you want to do?" He asked.
"What do you think?" I replied.
He gave me a wicked grin and pulled me into another kiss, more intense than the one before. The air around us seemed to catch fire. He pulled me toward his couch and he laid down, pulling me with him. I broke apart from him. "Wait." I whispered. "I brought something special."
i jumped off him and ran to my backpack, where I had stashed a small bottle of massage oil. I came back to the couch, and pushed him down. "Take off your shirt." I commanded him. He grinned at me and pulled it off, exposing his chest. "Good." I said idly, thinking "Shiiiit, he's shirtless." "Now, turn over." I commanded. He did, and I poured a little oil into my palm, and gently began to rub the broad, muscular expanse of his back. The scent of vanilla and jasmine filled the air. "Mmm. That's great." He murmured into the fabric of the couch.
After a few minutes of me massaging his shoulders and back. I told him I was done." His head twisted up towards me. "Can I massage you as well?" He asked. I blushed. "Sure." "Okay." He said, and his hand traveled to the zipper on my black sweater. "I can't exactly massage you with this on." I nodded, smiling devilishly. We kissed, and he tugged on the zipper, revealing the bando I was wearing, my bare stomach exposed. I turned over and he began to massage my lower back, his fingers slick with the oil. I closed my eyes, extremely peaceful and relaxed. There had been something nagging at the back of my mind for awhile, so I whispered into the pillow, "Hunter?"
"Yes?" I heard him respond.
"I wanted to ask.... about us." I said slowly. "Are we.... you know..."
"A thing?"He finished my thought perfectly.
"Yeah. A thing." I said. He was quiet for a minute, although his hands kept massaging me.
"I don't know. We're kind of together, I guess." He said, his voice soft.
"Would you.... want to be? Together, I mean." I asked, quietly. I was going out on a limb here.
His hands stilled, and I opened my eyes. He placed him hands on my shoulders and leaned in to whisper in my ear.
"I would love that." He whispered softly. I turned my head around and we kissed, gently, but no less potent, no less intoxicating to my senses than any other kiss we had shared.
He flipped me around and started kissing the hollow of my throat. "Oh, Vixen....." He murmured softly. He travelled down my stomach, and in the midst of my pure, unadulterated bliss, I realized something.
My scars.
I pushed him away quickly and covered my lower abdomen with my hands. "What? What's wrong?"
He asked, surprised.
"I.... I don't want you to see."
"...Vixen." He said my name softly. His large, soft, warm hands moved to cover mine. "Please." I didn't say a word, but I didn't resist and he gently pushed my hands away. My scars were fading fast, some scar tissue pale pink, others still white. "I'm sorry-" I began, but he leaned over suddenly and, one by one, kissed each scar on my stomach. When he stopped, he looked at me, and his dark brown eyes searched mine.
"Vixen, please promise me you'll never do it again." He said, quietly.
The words passed through me like a cold shiver. I had heard that before... and the guy who asked me before wasn't worth stopping for. But as I stared into Hunter's face, I knew I had to try. For him.
For us.
"I promise." I whispered.
Later, we laid together on the couch, his arms wrapped around me in tender embrace, my head resting on his forearm. Being there felt so good.
Pulling myself from my comfortable position, I snapped open my cell phone and checked the time. I had to get back soon. Damn.
"What time do we have?" Hunter asked.
"I need to leave soon." I said sadly. He pulled me back down next to him.
"I wish I could fall asleep here. I wish I could lie here forever." I whispered, or maybe I just thought it.
"Me too." Hunter replied, although it could have just been in my head.
We walked back quietly, in a daze from the days events. Or maybe it was just me in a daze.
All through my play, I kept recalling the days events. it was playing through my mind like a movie.
And sure enough, he became my muse. Three poems spurted from the romance that had evolved between us. Here they are.
Almost as soon as we got in the door, he kissed me tenderly, and our bodies moved close together. I pulled away and smiled.
"Alone at last." I said softly, and he smiled. He was clean shaven now, having shaved off his Movember facial hair.
"What do you want to do?" He asked.
"What do you think?" I replied.
He gave me a wicked grin and pulled me into another kiss, more intense than the one before. The air around us seemed to catch fire. He pulled me toward his couch and he laid down, pulling me with him. I broke apart from him. "Wait." I whispered. "I brought something special."
i jumped off him and ran to my backpack, where I had stashed a small bottle of massage oil. I came back to the couch, and pushed him down. "Take off your shirt." I commanded him. He grinned at me and pulled it off, exposing his chest. "Good." I said idly, thinking "Shiiiit, he's shirtless." "Now, turn over." I commanded. He did, and I poured a little oil into my palm, and gently began to rub the broad, muscular expanse of his back. The scent of vanilla and jasmine filled the air. "Mmm. That's great." He murmured into the fabric of the couch.
After a few minutes of me massaging his shoulders and back. I told him I was done." His head twisted up towards me. "Can I massage you as well?" He asked. I blushed. "Sure." "Okay." He said, and his hand traveled to the zipper on my black sweater. "I can't exactly massage you with this on." I nodded, smiling devilishly. We kissed, and he tugged on the zipper, revealing the bando I was wearing, my bare stomach exposed. I turned over and he began to massage my lower back, his fingers slick with the oil. I closed my eyes, extremely peaceful and relaxed. There had been something nagging at the back of my mind for awhile, so I whispered into the pillow, "Hunter?"
"Yes?" I heard him respond.
"I wanted to ask.... about us." I said slowly. "Are we.... you know..."
"A thing?"He finished my thought perfectly.
"Yeah. A thing." I said. He was quiet for a minute, although his hands kept massaging me.
"I don't know. We're kind of together, I guess." He said, his voice soft.
"Would you.... want to be? Together, I mean." I asked, quietly. I was going out on a limb here.
His hands stilled, and I opened my eyes. He placed him hands on my shoulders and leaned in to whisper in my ear.
"I would love that." He whispered softly. I turned my head around and we kissed, gently, but no less potent, no less intoxicating to my senses than any other kiss we had shared.
He flipped me around and started kissing the hollow of my throat. "Oh, Vixen....." He murmured softly. He travelled down my stomach, and in the midst of my pure, unadulterated bliss, I realized something.
My scars.
I pushed him away quickly and covered my lower abdomen with my hands. "What? What's wrong?"
He asked, surprised.
"I.... I don't want you to see."
"...Vixen." He said my name softly. His large, soft, warm hands moved to cover mine. "Please." I didn't say a word, but I didn't resist and he gently pushed my hands away. My scars were fading fast, some scar tissue pale pink, others still white. "I'm sorry-" I began, but he leaned over suddenly and, one by one, kissed each scar on my stomach. When he stopped, he looked at me, and his dark brown eyes searched mine.
"Vixen, please promise me you'll never do it again." He said, quietly.
The words passed through me like a cold shiver. I had heard that before... and the guy who asked me before wasn't worth stopping for. But as I stared into Hunter's face, I knew I had to try. For him.
For us.
"I promise." I whispered.
Later, we laid together on the couch, his arms wrapped around me in tender embrace, my head resting on his forearm. Being there felt so good.
Pulling myself from my comfortable position, I snapped open my cell phone and checked the time. I had to get back soon. Damn.
"What time do we have?" Hunter asked.
"I need to leave soon." I said sadly. He pulled me back down next to him.
"I wish I could fall asleep here. I wish I could lie here forever." I whispered, or maybe I just thought it.
"Me too." Hunter replied, although it could have just been in my head.
We walked back quietly, in a daze from the days events. Or maybe it was just me in a daze.
All through my play, I kept recalling the days events. it was playing through my mind like a movie.
And sure enough, he became my muse. Three poems spurted from the romance that had evolved between us. Here they are.
Today is yours and mine to share
And so it begins.
The delicate threads
Holding us up
Just for now.
Just for now,
Forever is a thoughtless,
Unimaginable word
Vanished from my vocabulary
Long ago.
But maybe,
Just for now,
Just for now,
You and I, we, us,
Together
Can possibly exist
Just for now,
Just for now.
I can be free, happy, I can
Sample the sweet thrill of
Your taste, your body
Pressed against mine n
The tender embrace
I've learned to love
Just for now.
Just for now,
I can lose myself
In your dark eyes...
Just for now.
The delicate threads
Holding us up
Just for now.
Just for now,
Forever is a thoughtless,
Unimaginable word
Vanished from my vocabulary
Long ago.
But maybe,
Just for now,
Just for now,
You and I, we, us,
Together
Can possibly exist
Just for now,
Just for now.
I can be free, happy, I can
Sample the sweet thrill of
Your taste, your body
Pressed against mine n
The tender embrace
I've learned to love
Just for now.
Just for now,
I can lose myself
In your dark eyes...
Just for now.
The Catalyst
The tender touch of you
Grazing my skin,
Cold fire, contradictory
Feelings of warmth and freezing cold,
Of smooth skin and rough stubble,
But the feelings in my heart
Never seem to clash.
They're swirling, twisting
Like the moon and tide
They're so different
Yet they belong together.
Fingers intertwining, a bond
Starting to form, a rush
Of exhilaration, a sense
Of fear and dizzying excitement.
It starts now, it all begins
The blissful remembrance of your
Hands cupping my face, pulling me
Into the most tender of kisses
And then, you look in my eyes....
The eyes, the catalyst that
Made this crazy, beautiful
Thing become so real.
In Your Arms
In your arms
I feel so safe, secure.
Enfolded in your embrace
I experience a sweet thrill,
A blissful, blooming warmth
Sweeping, spreading through me
Like the rays of the sun
In all its shining splendour.
In your arms, I count
Each second I am there,
Yet it still feels like
An eternity of happiness;
It's like a small piece of heaven
Tucked into the furthest corner
Of my heart.
And when I dream, I feel
Those strong arms wrapping
Around my body, hugging me
Close, as though you'll
Never let me go.
And every time you tell me
That you love holding me
In your arms
My words to you become only
A shy whisper in my mind...
All I want to say is that
I love being held by you,
In your arms.
I feel so safe, secure.
Enfolded in your embrace
I experience a sweet thrill,
A blissful, blooming warmth
Sweeping, spreading through me
Like the rays of the sun
In all its shining splendour.
In your arms, I count
Each second I am there,
Yet it still feels like
An eternity of happiness;
It's like a small piece of heaven
Tucked into the furthest corner
Of my heart.
And when I dream, I feel
Those strong arms wrapping
Around my body, hugging me
Close, as though you'll
Never let me go.
And every time you tell me
That you love holding me
In your arms
My words to you become only
A shy whisper in my mind...
All I want to say is that
I love being held by you,
In your arms.
-V.
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